You know those days where you just feel alone and mildly depressed for no other reason than you AREN’T doing something? Yeah, that was
The first half was fantastic. I woke up next to my boyfriend. His mother, who hates me for taking her son away (traditional Mexican mother syndrome), even made me breakfast and knowing I’m a terrible Mexican, left out the salsa for me. I was able to cuddle and watch TV with my boyfriend like we haven’t done in a long time.
Then the afternoon came. My boyfriend went to work. I came back to my mother’s house. I don’t have a job to worry about, being recently unemployed, I don’t really have to worry about school any more because I’m more than likely dropping out so I can find a job with benefits. I can’t stay on my parents insurance any more and I have way too many issues to NOT have insurance. I have very few friends these days. Too many have back-stabbed me in recent months to want to care about them any more. So, I sat around and watched movies all day with my mother.
Normally, I hate doing that. I can’t just sit all freaking day and watch movies. I need something to think about, I may not be physically active but I need something to keep my mind going, which is why I write and craft and play vexing video games. Today, however, I gave in. Just sat. And watched TV. The rest of the day…
Do you ever just want to post something about how depressed you are so someone will talk to you and you won’t have to think about your depression any more? Maybe I’m crazy, but that’s what I wanted to do. Specifically on Facebook. However, a very dear friend of mine recently tried to kill himself. He sent me a text and all it said was “Goodbye”. Talk about a bad text to get. I sent out the alarm to his family. His father found him and he went to “adult time-out”, as his sister affectionately called it. He came out and has been more open with his emotions than I’ve ever seen him be. Which is great, but I don’t want to do anything that could make him depressed again.
So this is where the title of this post comes in. Wow… that took way too long. I apologize. Anyway, as much as I wanted to post something like, “Having a bad day, someone talk to me?” I didn’t. I couldn’t let my friend read it and think something like “This bitch thinks she has it bad? Yeah, right,” and then get depressed thinking about his problems. So, I kept my feelings to myself, put on my big girl panties, and watched depressing movies so I could feel like the actors shared my pain.
Have you ever done something like that? Wanted help but wanted to set a good example?
I do it way too much and it got me into a lot of problems. I guess I haven’t learned. Someone teach me a better way to deal with it. A way where I can express my feelings and not put someone else out because of it.
I could write. Write stories like I used to. Write to you guys, the invisible people on the other side of the internet that may not even be reading any of these posts. But it makes me feel better to believe that you are there. That you’re there reading my thoughts and are able to relate to them. Are you saying to your computer screen, “Oh gurrrl, I been there!” That would make my day.
Maybe this isn’t such a bad way of dealing with depression after all. Thanks for making me feel better invisible readers.